Tuesday, January 13, 2009

santa's demise

guest post by James Grube


OFFICE OF THE COUNTY MEDICAL EXAMINER
1133 W. Mesa St.
EL PASO, TEXAS 79906
REPORT OF INVESTIGATION BY COUNTY MEDICAL EXAMINER

DECEASED -

1. DECEDENT: KRINGLE, KRIS H. A.K.A. SANTA CLAUS // 2. SEX: M // 3. DATE OF DEATH: 12, 25, 2008
4. DATE OF BIRTH: UNKNOWN // 5. AGE: UNKNOWN // 6. RACE: UNCLEAR DUE TO INJURY
7a. PLACE OF DEATH: FT. BLISS OFFICER HOUSING // 7b. HOSPITAL: DOA
8. STATE OR COUNTRY OF BIRTH: GREENLAND // 9. CITIZEN OF WHAT COUNTRY: INTERNATIONAL CITIZEN // 10. MARITAL STATUS: MARRIED // 11. SURVIVING SPOUSE NAME: JESSICA GOODY DOLORES A.K.A. MRS. CLAUS
12. USUAL OCCUPATION: TOY-MAKER/DISTRUBUTOR 13. WAS DECEDENT EVER IN U.S. ARMED FORCES?: YES

DISPOSITION -

13. METHOD OF DISPOSITION: REMOVAL FROM STATE (REINDEER PULLED SLEIGH)

CERTIFICATION -

14. CERTIFIER'S NAME AND SIGNATURE: Aron "El Vis" (spanish nickname means - 'the sighting') Presley
14a. DATE SIGNED: 12, 25, 2008
14b. HOUR OF DEATH: 1159PM, 12, 24, 2008
14c. PRONOUNCED DEAD: 1159AM, 12, 24, 2008
14d. MANNER OF DEATH: UNDETERMINED

CAUSE OF DEATH -

15. WAS AUTOPSY PERFORMED?: YES
15a. If yes, were findings considered in determining cause of death?: YES
15b. If yes, were findings cross-referenced against at least 5 episodes of boring television crime series?: YES
16. WAS DECEDENT PREGNANT WITHIN LAST 6 WEEKS?: NO
17. INJURY AT WORK: YES
18. DESCRIBE HOW INJURY OCCURRED: Myocardial infarction
18a. DUE TO (OR AS A CONSEQUENCE OF): Comorbidity
18b. DUE TO (OR AS A CONSEQUENCE OF): Hypochondriasis (towards food allergies) AS WELL AS Photosensitive epilepsy

LAYMAN'S TERMS: Santa died from a heart attack (possibly due to being chased by Roxy. . . note the dog food, BUT more probably due to stress brought on by an irrational fear of non-existant food allergies AND an epileptic seizure brought on by watching parts of White Christmas).

Santa, recently having had PRK eye surgery, was wearing sunglasses in the house. Sneaking in as a pizza deliver man, Roxy arose and made such a clatter, but was subdued by some dog food. Santa sat down and began to drink milk, and eat cookies, and watch the Christmas classic White Christmas. He then saw a bottle of peanut oil near the cookies. Santa believing that he had a extreme food allergy to peanuts began to panic. His blood pressure rose. At the same time, the war scene in White Christmas caused a photosensitive epileptic seizure. Falling to the floor he pulled down various books and games.

Sadly, Santa was killed by an imaginary sickness and a horrible commercialized Christmas musical.

The moral of the story is only imaginary diseases can kill imaginary people. And musicals are dangerous to the rest of us. (Yes, many of your guesses were on the right track.)

***Editor's note from Karen: I would just like to add that the movie White Christmas is FAR from horribly commercialized. It's fabulous. And pretend that the year on the gravestone above reads 2008, not 2006. Also, pop back tomorrow for some great news from the Grube home!

8 comments:

Megan said...

I am so thankful for the layman's terms at the end. I don't usually have to think that hard while reading a blog.

Good job Jim - very impressive! I feel so enlightened about Santa - to think I never knew he was in the military! It makes sense with the way things gotta work to deliver all those toys. What will happen next year!?

Rebecca said...

Well, I won't be able to sleep tonight until I know the exciting news....I have a guess (two, actually) and I hope it's the first one. But I aint saying what my guess is.

Also...yes, very impressive account of Santa's life...and unfortunate death. I was shocked to learn Mrs. Claus's real name...

That was quite a humdinger of a demise.

I will be back to tomorrow at oh one hundred hours...(I have no idea how to tell military time nor how to spell it...the point is I'll be here tomorrow looking for some news!!!)

Mom said...

I should have known that it would take the Medical Examiner would take so long to test for all the imaginary food allergies out there before they could determine the true imaginary allergy.

Anonymous said...

I love White Christmas too. Watch it every Thanksgiving. But of course you already knew my place was safe for that sort of stuff...DR

Muthering Heights said...

Very cute!

Crafty P said...

funny. miss you.

i have two guesses, too. wonder if they're the same as happy's.

seriously, you better post tomorrow or else!

Momma B. said...

HA! That was great! SOOO funny! You guys are great! Miss you! Can't wait to hear the news!

LifeAtTheCircus said...

I guess we can forgive Jim for totally leaving us hanging for the past few weeks since he went out and wrote one of the most detailed blog reports I've ever read.

Creative man you've got there girlie...

(oh and that pic is great!)